Reduced to tears....

Hello my precious angel,

Last night we watched a programme, Private Practice, which is about a couple of doctors, of which one is a neo-natal surgeon. Anyway, in this episode a mommy-to-be went into labour unexpectedly at 25 and a bit weeks. They also couldn't stop the contractions and the baby was born.

Now, it was quite heartbreaking, because the little one had bleeding on the brain and problems with his intestines and he had to have a lot of operations. The doctor did one operation and couldn't fix the intestines. What was most disturbing, was that the doctor basically told them that the little baby boy, even if he survived, had no chance of a "normal" life. He would probably have brain damage, be blind and so the list continued. Her suggestion to the parents was to just let him go as he was in a lot of pain. The mommy could also not hold the little boy, just like we couldn't hold you at first, because he was just too tiny. So the episode ended with the doctor placing the baby in her arms for her to hold, and she just sang to him.

Now, it was difficult for me to decide whether or not I should even write about this, as it is not the run-of-the-mill, happy post. But I just had to share some thoughts with you because I want you to know all the things that I felt while raising you, especially so that you can maybe read them one day. That's the whole point of this blog. So I am going to start on my feelings of last night, now that you have the background story.

Firstly, you were lying on the couch with me, and I actually thought you were sleeping. But when they showed the tiny little baby with all those pipes and needles, you turned around to me and said "Nee mamma" and then just laid on my chest with your eyes closed, and eventually you did fall asleep. Now I don't quite know what to make of that. Can you actually remember your time alone in ICU? Or was it just coincidence? Either way, it immediately reduced me to tears.

Secondly, I couldn't believe the physical pain I felt when I saw the mom staring at her little boy, being completely helpless, and not being able to hold or comfort that little little person, whom you love so dearly already. My heart physically ached and my stomach was in complete knots. I remember at the time of your birth being very optimistic and not understanding why everybody was so scared. But I didn't know the lasting impact it would have on me though. And now, every time when I see a prem baby and I burst into tears, it is becoming clear that it did, indeed, impact me severely. When another doctor on tv also told the mommy that the baby can feel his mommy's love, I was immediately taken back to those nights that I read poems to you, and just sat there, visualising all my love and positive thoughts streaming to you in a big red beam. I can also vividly remember seeing God put His hands on your tiny little body and smiling at me, assuring me it was going to be ok.

Thirdly. I don't think I quite understood the risks, and maybe that was for the best. That little baby, who nothing could be done for, who had no chance of a normal life, was born a mere 2 weeks before you. 2 WEEKS! That's nothing. That is so so close...and apparently, even 27 weeks was very touch and go...

And lastly, I found myself being so angry with that doctor, telling the parents to just let him go. Miracles happen every day, and even if he didn't have a so called "normal" life, shouldn't he at least be given a chance? It reminds me of my friend Loren who usually says that she doesn't understand society's obsession with being "normal" and "perfect". I also very clearly remember thinking when you were born: "I absolutely couldn't care what is wrong with you, as long as you survive and I have the chance to love you, no matter what." I suppose each to their own and everybody has their own opinions, and that's their right. This is merely my opinion.

Well, that's enough ranting and raving from me. Just know that I love you, and you are my miracle, and I thank God everyday that He gave me the chance to love you...