An update...finally

Hello my beautiful boy!

Yes, again, I'm sorry for not writing in such a long time! But it was that time of the year again, yes exams. And directly after that I went to Cape Town for some work. And directly after that, dad and I went to Hazyview for Yolandi and Gerrie's wedding. So not only have I not written in a looooong while, but I also haven't seen you much, and wow, how have I missed you!!!

You went to stay with granny while I was writing exams and just as you came back I had to leave again. It feels like you've grown up so much! You are such a beautiful little mister now, telling me: "Nee, ek kan nie" when I ask you to do something that you don't want to, he he. You also got a microphone from ouma Rina, and my how you sing! Sometimes even without the mic, you just close your eyes, tap your little foot, and sing whatever comes to your mind, yes improvising at age two!

Oh, and dad brought you a HUGE trampoline! You just jump jump jump and it is the cutest thing ever! I LOVE the way you take toys from Noah and tell him: "No Noutjie, not yours, this is mine", even though I know I should teach you to share, you just tell him so nicely that it's yours, ha ha, I can't get it over my heart!

Anyway my angel, I love you plenty and I cannot wait for the next couple of "holiday" weeks where I can just come home and the only thing on my "to-do-list" is to play with you and your boetie.

I love you monkey man.
O yes, and guess who is FULLY potty-trained! Well done big boy! (I must admit, I am waiting for the day that you decide to wee on the grass in a public place, as it seems like as soon as you see grass, you think that that's what you HAVE do :-)

LOVE YOU!
Mom

Reduced to tears....

Hello my precious angel,

Last night we watched a programme, Private Practice, which is about a couple of doctors, of which one is a neo-natal surgeon. Anyway, in this episode a mommy-to-be went into labour unexpectedly at 25 and a bit weeks. They also couldn't stop the contractions and the baby was born.

Now, it was quite heartbreaking, because the little one had bleeding on the brain and problems with his intestines and he had to have a lot of operations. The doctor did one operation and couldn't fix the intestines. What was most disturbing, was that the doctor basically told them that the little baby boy, even if he survived, had no chance of a "normal" life. He would probably have brain damage, be blind and so the list continued. Her suggestion to the parents was to just let him go as he was in a lot of pain. The mommy could also not hold the little boy, just like we couldn't hold you at first, because he was just too tiny. So the episode ended with the doctor placing the baby in her arms for her to hold, and she just sang to him.

Now, it was difficult for me to decide whether or not I should even write about this, as it is not the run-of-the-mill, happy post. But I just had to share some thoughts with you because I want you to know all the things that I felt while raising you, especially so that you can maybe read them one day. That's the whole point of this blog. So I am going to start on my feelings of last night, now that you have the background story.

Firstly, you were lying on the couch with me, and I actually thought you were sleeping. But when they showed the tiny little baby with all those pipes and needles, you turned around to me and said "Nee mamma" and then just laid on my chest with your eyes closed, and eventually you did fall asleep. Now I don't quite know what to make of that. Can you actually remember your time alone in ICU? Or was it just coincidence? Either way, it immediately reduced me to tears.

Secondly, I couldn't believe the physical pain I felt when I saw the mom staring at her little boy, being completely helpless, and not being able to hold or comfort that little little person, whom you love so dearly already. My heart physically ached and my stomach was in complete knots. I remember at the time of your birth being very optimistic and not understanding why everybody was so scared. But I didn't know the lasting impact it would have on me though. And now, every time when I see a prem baby and I burst into tears, it is becoming clear that it did, indeed, impact me severely. When another doctor on tv also told the mommy that the baby can feel his mommy's love, I was immediately taken back to those nights that I read poems to you, and just sat there, visualising all my love and positive thoughts streaming to you in a big red beam. I can also vividly remember seeing God put His hands on your tiny little body and smiling at me, assuring me it was going to be ok.

Thirdly. I don't think I quite understood the risks, and maybe that was for the best. That little baby, who nothing could be done for, who had no chance of a normal life, was born a mere 2 weeks before you. 2 WEEKS! That's nothing. That is so so close...and apparently, even 27 weeks was very touch and go...

And lastly, I found myself being so angry with that doctor, telling the parents to just let him go. Miracles happen every day, and even if he didn't have a so called "normal" life, shouldn't he at least be given a chance? It reminds me of my friend Loren who usually says that she doesn't understand society's obsession with being "normal" and "perfect". I also very clearly remember thinking when you were born: "I absolutely couldn't care what is wrong with you, as long as you survive and I have the chance to love you, no matter what." I suppose each to their own and everybody has their own opinions, and that's their right. This is merely my opinion.

Well, that's enough ranting and raving from me. Just know that I love you, and you are my miracle, and I thank God everyday that He gave me the chance to love you...

Granny Grey - In loving memory

Hello my angel,

It is with a sore heart that I have to tell you that Granny Grey has gone up to be with God in heaven. We are all His children, and as such, He sometimes likes to call some of us home to Him. It is not a sad thing at all, especially for the person who gets to see Him again, we just have difficulty here on earth coming to terms with it. So unfortunately, for now, you won;t be able to see Granny Grey again, but you will still feel her, especially when you need advice, and you can still talk to her because she will definitely listen. For now, however, she is with Grampy Grey in the sky and they will wait there till we all join them one day. I know it's difficult to understand now, and I cannot truly say any of that will change, as none of us can ever really understand it. Just remember to say a prayer for granny, aunty Nettie and uncle Trevor, as well as your daddy, and everyone who is really going to miss her.

Love you my angel and Love you granny Grey. We take lots of comfort in knowing that you will now be our loving gaurdian angel who will keep us safe from harm and help us on the right path.

P.s. So strange that the verse of the day that my cousin sent to me was: “Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.”- Psalm 27:14

Prayers for Granny Grey

Hello my angel,

You remember what I told you about closing your eyes and talking to God? That's the conversation we usually end with "Amen". Well will you, and everyone who reads this please,join me in saying a very special prayer for Granny Grey who fell and broke her hip last week, as well as suffering a heart-attack on Friday night. Here goes:

"Dear Lord, please be with our Granny Grey during this trying time. I know she's feeling very ill, so please numb her from any pain she's in. Please let her know in her heart how much we love her and even though we can't be right there by her, that we are with her in spirit all the way. Please also be with granny, aunty Nettie and uncle Trevor so that their wings can be strong in supporting granny Grey. May we always rest in the knowledge that You know what is best and that Your love for us is endless. Always and always. Amen."

You really are a hooligan

Hello my big boy,

Well, did I see a side of you this weekend that I did not know existed!!! We were in "the bush" this weekend for Oom Koevoet's 60th birthday (Happy Birthday!!!).

There were rocks and splash-pools and all sorts of fun things. Now if I say you were a real "boskind", I mean it. You were naked most of the time (with lots of sunscrean) and just running around like a crazy person, laughing and exploring with dad...it was the most beautiful thing ever. You saw a real frog (which you were too scared to touch) and a crab, and touched a lot of dead insects! You were my biggest fan when I went down the foefie-slide (a wheeeeee, according to you), clapping and cheering all the way!

I loved seeing you take in every moment of fresh air, especially after the total mishap of a beach holiday we tried to have, lol. So we finally have the answer...you are not a beach-bum, you are a boskind.

O, and you finally started potty-training...my oh my do I have stories, none of which are really appropriate for publication, lol (I'll reveal all at your 21st :-)).

Anyway my angel, I'm so glad you got to enjoy this long weekend to the fullest and that we got to spend some time together...I'm already missing you sooooo much!

To end of with, here's something Ohpaw sent to me, written by Brad Anderson and adapted by Ohpaw, these are pretty much my feelings as you are growing up so quickly...

I guess that I can hold you
one more time before you grow.
And tell you that I love you
so that you'll always know.
Please let me tie your shoe again.
One day you'll tie your own.
And when you think back to this time
I hope it's love I've shown.
Can I help you put your coat on?
Can I please cut up your meat?
Can I pull you in the wagon?
Can I pick you out a treat?
One day you might just care for me,
so let me care for you.
I want to be a part of
everything you do.
Tonight could I wash your hair?
Can I put toys in the bath?
Can I help you count your small ten toes
before I teach you math?
Before you join a cricket team
can I throw you one more ball?
And one more time can I stand near
to make sure you don't fall?
Let's take another space-ship ride
Up to the Planet Zoor.
Before our Cardboard Rocket
doesn't fit us anymore.
Please let me help you up the hill.
while you're still too small to climb.
And let me read you stories
while you're young and have the time.
I know the day will come
when you will do these things alone.
Will you recall the shoulder rides
and all the balls we've thrown?
I want you to grow stronger
than your Dad could ever be.
And when you find success
there will be no soul more proud than me.
So will you let me carry you?
One day you'll walk alone.
I cannot bear to miss one day
from now until you've grown.

Love you plenty!

You seem happier

Hi my precious,

I'm sneaking a few minutes in work time to quickly write a little update. First, I took you out of school about a month ago, because it just seemed like you weren't getting use to the teacher. Now I don't know if the fact that your little brother got to stay at home had anything to do with it, but nonetheless, you seem much happier and Rose is now looking after you and your brother full time while Elsie does the cleaning.

Second, you had a bad bout of stomatitis that just passed = small sores in the mouth. I felt sooooo sorry for you, but you got over it unscathed, thank goodness.

Third, I started a new job and am now away from home a bit more, but it makes our weekends AWESOME!!! Now I treasure every minute I have with you and we make the best of it!

I'm so sorry my angel, but I have to go. Just know that I love you unconditionally and not a day goes by that I am not amazed by something stunning that you do!

I LOVE YOU!!!

When you thought I wasn't looking

Hey my angel, a friend sent this to me and it almost brought tears to my eyes, so I wanted to share it with you.

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

A message every adult should read because children
are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my
first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a
stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind
to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my
favourite cake for me, and I learned that the little
things can be the special things in life..

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a
prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always
talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a
meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care
of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have
to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you
handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't
feel good, and I learned that I would have to be
responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come
from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things
hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you
cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of
life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and
productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and
wanted to say,’ Thanks for all the things I saw when
you thought I wasn't looking'

Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend)
influences the life of a child.

Now, I know I'm not perfect, and I definitely know that I have a lot of habits that need to change (one in particular, lol) before you pick them up. But this made me realise, despite all the stuff that I do wrong, at least I can know I have a pure heart and that I try to be a good person. And as long as you know that a heart full of love is a good one, then no matter what you do, or what mistakes you make, you will be able to rest in the comfort of knowing you had good intentions.

On another note, we starting praying together at night, me and you, just before you go to bed. I just LOVE how you say "Amen", and surprisingly, you don't interrupt mewith twinkle star or some other song, you just keep quiet and liste,like you know. I waited until now because I want you to comprehend, and even though I don't think you do quite 100% yet, the seeds are being sewn. This is truly one of my highlights, and I love being able to share something that is usually so intimate with you.

Anyway my angel, love you lots and lots. You are my beautiful little star and you are growing into an amazing little man!

Love you dearly!
Mom

Happy Birthday!!!

To the best father and husband in the world: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
We hope that you have a wonderful day and year ahead.

Love you lots and lots!!!

Happy too you!

Well my little angel, as you would say to ohpaw Zak: Happy too you!!!

Hoop paw het 'n wonderlike dag en onthou: We LOVE you more!!!!
Dankie altyd vir paw se wyse woorde en mooi gedigte, dankie dat paw die "kreatiewe" kant van die lewe daarstel, sodat my seuns dit kan leer. Dankie vir paw se liefde vir musiek wat ek kan oordra na my kinders toe en 'n "ritueel" van soorte kan skep. Lief pa ongelooflik! En soos Caden sal se: Wuf you oupa!

Our family - by Loren Stow

I love you

Hi my beautiful big boy,

I'm sorry, I've been so bad, not writing as often as I should, but lately it's a miracle if I remember to put my shoes on before I walk out the door!

So what's been happening? Well, we went to Cape Town to come and steal you back ha-ha, and it was such a wonderful sight seeing you on the Saturday morning, coming into our room to greet us. The shocker however, was that you were most happy to see your brother and you couldn't stop kissing and hugging him. I think you are getting more use to him now, but it does come at a price, well, for me at least.

You are getting much closer to your dad (which definitely suits him I tell yu), and steadily gaining a lot of independence from me. I'd lie if I didn't tell you that I miss it. I miss it a lot actually, but I know it's just part of the growing-up process. You are at the age now where you want to play rough, wrestle, kick balls and get dirty, and who is a better partner in crime than your father? I think I have become a bit boring for you, understandably, but I know whenever you need advice, medicine or just a cuddle, I'll be right there, waiting in the sidelines.

So what else has been happening? Your teacher at school resigned and your new teacher is starting on Monday. This really broke our hearts as Tannie Tanya was an absolute gem and she ADORED you. But I'm sure you will creep into the new teacher's (Tannie Lizette) heart just as quickly. Aunt Lynette and Uncle Grant moved up here from Durban and that seems to be a real treat for you! You love them so much and get all excited when I tell you we are going to visit! You also got to go to Cole's 1st birthday party, which was stunning, full of the cutest sweets and decorations (nautical theme). Lisa really went to a lot of trouble and you had a ball! And last Sunday Loren came to do a family photo shoot for us! I absolutely cannot WAIT to see the pics. You were a real little poser/model...wait for the pics...you'll see!!! And I finally got some beautiful photos taken of me and you together! Yay!

What else? O yeah, in the mornings you can eat your own breakfast (porridge) which leaves me free to get all your stuff together for school. And you are also singing full songs now, not just words here and there. I think finally a person other than your mom and dad can understand your full sentences as you are communicating much clearer now.

I must say, I really really miss our quality time together, just you and me. I never get to see just you anymore. I miss just sitting by you by the swing or playing in the sandpit. I think you feel it too because your tantrums are getting worse and more severe. I'm definitely doing something wrong. When you grow older you'll probably hear a lot that parenting doesn't come with a manual, and my, how true that is. I have absolutely no idea how to deal with your tantrums. Once you start crying for something, there really is no stopping you. And it would be so much easier if I knew what you were crying for, but a lot of the times you just cry, for no apparent reason. Maybe one day when you're big you can tell me, but sho, you have really had your dad and I up nights trying to figure this one out. Most of the times it happens around 3h00 in the morning, then I wonder if it's not maybe a nightmare or something. But when the lights are on and it's been about an hour, so you are fully awake, and you still won't stop crying, I find myself at a loss as to what could possibly be bothering you.

Anyway, I suppose it's just another brick in the wall hey my angel? I'm sure we'll figure it out soon enough.

Till next time my precious big boy.
Mom

Wow, didn't know missing you could physically hurt so much

Hello my angel,

You should've been home by now, but hey, shoulda woulda coulda! Last week Thursday Granny phoned to inform us that you have MEASLES!!! Freakin measles my boy! Can you believe it! I want to say: "Why bother with the vaccinations then?", but then I see you on Skype and see that you don't look sick at all! You're still running around like the crazy little man that you are and nothing's changed, except you have a rash. So now I'm rather saying: "Thank goodness you had those vaccinations" otherwise you would've been very ill my baby and I would've cried my eyes out not being able to be there with you, to hold and love you.

Now, I'm still crying my eyes out because I miss you so much, but at least I know that you are well and healthy-ish. We had to postpone our flight tickets to this week Friday because measles is VERY contagious and you are not allowed to fly when you have it because you can infect those around you so easily. So now I have seriously been away from you for much longer than ever before. Truly though, I would much rather have my hectic, crazy, laughter-filled mornings than having it this quiet. I don't think we realised how much you "filled" the house with your giggles and cries.

Anyway my angel, just wanted to tell you how much I miss and love you and I think I'm gonna explode with joy when we get off the plane to fetch you!

Lots of love!

Guess who's coming?

Hey my angel,

You've been such a complete pleasure the past couple of days, and how very handy that came in just as your brother got sick. I've been quite busy with him and somehow, you've managed to keep yourself busy and happy all by yourself! I'm so proud of you, and it is an absolute joy to see your imagination take flight as you play!

On another note, your granny is coming to visit you tomorrow which I am sure is going to be a BIG treat, and as the schools are closing anyway, you'll get to stay at home with her for a bit. I had to make one of the toughest decisions of my life so far, but I know you're gonna love it, so I had to do it. Dad and I thought it would be nice for you to visit granny in Cape Town for a couple of days (4 to be exact), so next week Tuesday I am saying goodbye to you for the longest time ever!!! I'm not sure how I am going to manage, but at this stage with your brother being sick and with the schools closing, it seemed like the best time to send you for your first (of many) holidays down to Cape Town. Please please bear with me if I hold on to you for extended periods of time before you leave. I'm still not sure how on earth I'm gonna do it, but I have a week to prepare myself. At this stage I am just continuously focussing on holding you again when we go to Cape Town to fetch you. I can just see that beautiful smile of yours and being able to kiss and hug you all over again...so that'll remain my focus. I know I'm talking like you're gone already, but I'm just prepping so long.

Anyway my angel, just wanted to let you know how wonderful you are and what a pleasure it is seeing you learn every day!

Love you plenty!
Mom

Our holiday

Hello my liefie

We went on our first official family holiday these past couple of days and my, was it interesting. Dad and I played it up in our minds a bit because we were going to the beach, a lovely place in Pennington where you open your doors and you are right on the beach. So dad and I, having such fond memories of the beach when we were young, couldn't wait to give you the same pleasures that we enjoyed, swimming in the sea, playing in the rock pools, buying silly toys from the stalls next to the beach...

We left Saturday morning and you were soooo well behaved in the car, there and back, not a single complaint! Saturday night we slept over at aunt Nettie's and as usual you LOVED the attention from the girls. You also got very spoilt with lekker sweeties a noddy book and some counting and spelling cards. (Thanks aunt Nets, Candice and Tanya for spoiling us once again!). The next day we went off to our destination. You absolutely loved the big sand pit and imediately grabbed your spade and bucket. But when dad took you to go play in the sea water you...ran away screaming like a girl, ha-ha! You were so scared and you clung to dad like a little monkey. I know I shouldn't laugh, and at the time our hearts broke for you because you were truly terrified, but in hindsight it was really funny. Even the rock pools weren't as alluring to you, you were only interested in playing there if you couldn't see the sea. As soon as you saw a wave you went running again. We went back to the flat where you found a mop and broom and proceded to clean the house, as you love doing. So there we were, 600km from home at a beautiful beach with beautiful weather and you wanted to stay inside and clean...????

Anyway, the next day we took you to a little pond close by to go "fishing" which was adorable and you kind of seemed to enjoy it, but that only lasted about 40 minutes. Other than that you mostly preferred to jump on the trampolines and be around us, just chatting. Oh, and there weren't any stalls to buy cheap, useless toys because it was off-season, so it was basically dead quite. The most amazing thing was probably how slowly time seemed to go there. By 9h00 o'clock dad and I ran out of ideas because we already went to the rock pools, already played in the sand, already flew the kite etc. And at night, both you and your brother were asleep by about 6h15, so dad and I would fill out cross-word puzzles and chat for what seemed like hours, by the time we were ready for bed we were sure it was close to 11h00 but when we checked it was only 8h30. So we definitely caught up on our sleep!

The cutest thing you did which had dad and I in complete stitches was when you found a steel rod or thread or something, that resembled a fishing rod, you pretending to fish with it, calling the fish saying "fishies, fishies, come now dudes". I don't know where you heard that but it was hysterical. You also started giving a lot of "orders" saying to dad "Kom nou dada, gaan spring" of "Loop hierso dada" or to me " Mamma staan daar, sing Wielie Wielie Walie". I think we are quite obedient parents... Well, to end the story off, we decided to come back a day early because you had a little cough and we worried that the humidity might not be good for your chest, plus you weren't enjoying it THAT much anyway, and just as well we did because in the car you started getting a big fever and by last night you were looking terrible. Today you seemed fine and happy so we didn't take you to the doctor, but as I am writing this I am listening to you coughing terribly so I think I'll take you tomorrow, just incase you need antibiotics. I don't want it to turn into something like pneumonia.

Anyway my sweet, I promise to post some pictures soon.

Love you plenty!

What I love about you...

Hello my precious big boy,

I know it's been ages since I've written but it's exam time for me again, and then you know the entire world comes to a stand still, lol. I wanted to take some time to tell you about some of the things I love about you, new things you've learnt and how your little personality is taking shape.

First and foremost I think is your vocabulary. You are a VERY chatty little man and if I don't hear "Mammie" about 150 times a day, I know there is something wrong! You can communicate your wants and needs nicely now saying things like, "baba huil, eina toemaar, okay baba", "dadda in die shower, kom nou nou", "wag 'n bietjie", "oh no, I broke it", "mors, sies man" (imitating me when you mess something), "dis koud daar buite", "water is nat" and my favourite "baba poep, sies man, gagga doek", refering to your brother's dirty nappy. I almost fell off my chair laughing the other day when Noah cried and you said "No baba no, stop it, genoeg nou(enough now)" because when you throw a little tantrum and cry for nothing that's exactly what I say to you! You are also really getting the hang of your little bro trying to feed him all sorts of food and trying to put toys in his hand to play with saying "hierso baba, vat". When you see a phone most of the times you bring it to us and say "oupa praat" or "granny praat", meaning we must phone them so that you can have your long chats to them. You do the same when you see the computer, saying "granny kyk" because we phone them on skype regularly.

You still don't really like new food and would probably live on viennas, bread and rooibos tea if you could. I have no idea how to get some vegetables into you, it's absolutely impossible. But you are growing by the day and seem to be getter smarter at a rapid pace. If prompted and helped a little, you can count till ten, when we drive in the car you will point to a sign saying "triangle" or "circle" or whatever shape it is. You LOVE singing songs, favourites include "twinkle twinkle" "wielie wielie walie" and "old MacDonald" and you love dancing as well, but that's not new. You have this new thing of trying to jump (you still leave one foot on the floor) and singing "hasie hop"! Cutest thing ever!

On mother's day this year, you walked onto the room carrying a present and singing "happy birthday to you", because that's what you associate presents with. It was ADORABLE!!!! But came my birthday, you didn't want to sing it once, lol, irony. We also had a sports day for you on saturday and I was soooooo looking forward to seeing you run and participate. I even signed up for selling pancakes! But when push came to shove, you wanted nothing to do with the event. You cried your little heart out when we tried to take you around the obstacle course and we ended up sitting at the back where you enjoyed playing with some dried leaves...all by yourself...so....I'm really hoping you don't turn into a serial killer my boy, dad and I are getting worried, ha-ha. Not really, we'll just have to enroll you for single sports like golf or race car driving.

Anyway my angel, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I can write pages and pages about the cutest things you do, but you would get tired of reading it, so I'll just stop here.

Love you plenty!!!